MY WAYS TO RETAIN MENTAL CALMNESS IN CHAOS.

In the outbreak of Covid 19, who knew there would be a drastic shift in the entire way of living. I believe now we all would agree that “Change is the only constant in life”. With the beginning of 2020, we still were not aware of what was coming for all of us which will turn everything upside down. In Fact, even I was not even aware that by the end of it I will lose one of my lifelines, my DAD. Though it was not due to covid it was a big loss that had an impact on my life in such a way that it took a lot of time to recover. We often face challenges to calm our minds in certain situations that are beyond our control. But the fact is we have to overcome them as soon as possible not only for us but for the other lifelines that we live with and live for.

Stage 1: Mental Peace

I still remember the day when we reached Kolkata as my parents were alone and so were we. It was very depressing after some point as we were stuck at home. It felt as if we would ever come out of this situation. Simply negative thoughts aggravating in mind from everywhere. Once we reached there my parents and we were a little relaxed. It was easy to achieve mental peace then.

Stage 2: Life and Death Cycle : Inevitable:

At the beginning of December, I and my hubby started planning for my son’s birthday. Along with that, my cousins were super excited to arrange it to the great level where at least Aayansh can feel good staying at home as it was almost 10 months where he didn’t see the outside world much. In the sense no outing no trip nothing. Just homebound. After my son’s birthday, we were planning to come back to Bangalore. However, we planned to bring Mom Dad home as well. So we were planning to wrap things up. Also, there was a consultation planned for my dad as he was a cerebral stroke patient since 2015 and his consultation was pending due to covid for a few months. Finally, we got a video appointment scheduled for 19th Dec 2020 and a physical appointment for 21st Dec 2020. I was in my peak stage at work. It was very hectic due to some transition work. All-day it used to be held up with no time to look after anything neither my son nor my family. That was the time when my hubby had been a great support along with my extended family members like my aunt & sister. But as we were nearing the appointment my dad wanted to come back to his house even for 3days as on the 4th day i.e 20th Dec 2020 we had plans to go back to Kolkata as the second appointment dated 21st Dec 2020 was in proper Kolkata. On Thursday morning we started for mom’s house as asked by my dad. We thought good before going to aunt’s house. We can have things packed and sorted as immediately after that we have to come back to Bangalore.

Stage 3: Silence before the cyclone.

We often know that before the cyclone there is always a terrifying silence that is faced. The same was on Thursday evening. Dad has been a little silent these days. He was not talking much. His tests were done and it was normal. But Friday was a little scary. I was so helpless as I told my hubby to keep communicating with Dad as I was not sure I was feeling scared. I already informed my manager that I will go for a break as the symptoms are not good and we are waiting for doc consultation to get feedback as in covid directly taking him to the hospital seemed to be a little worrying as he was aged and he could get easily infected. Saturday we felt good as Baba spoke to the doc well and the doctor also stated his reports to be stable. But his silent behavior doc suggested we take opinion with the neuro specialist as in this age it is at times little possible to have such a situation where patients get silent.

On Saturday we started packing and settling things as we have to go to proper Kolkata the next day. But we enjoyed that night to the fullest. Dad was listening to his favorite music on Jagjit Singhji’s Ghazals. He was commenting in between as Wah Wah. Hubby used to come in between and showed him the pics of his office days. My dad also saw the photographs of his parents, everything related to him. As we were packing and decluttering things, we showed him all of them one by one. He laughed, he asked my aunt what the plan was for tomorrow. It went normal as planned. Next-Day morning at 9 am my hubby has his dance class. We all woke up early, but firstly my mom woke up and made him drink water and before going to prepare tea. Suddenly she came and found my dad shifted his head away from the pillow in an uncomfortable position. My mom tried to move him but he was not responding. This was not a good sign. My mom called and my hubby came and tried to wake him up. But in vain. He still did not respond. That was something unexpected. I tried calling for an ambulance. Nothing was available. No one was ready to come. It was another panic moment. I could feel his heart beating fainting. His pulse was not traceable. Deep inside things are nerve-wracking. But we wanted to give it a try. With the help of neighbors, they pulled my dad in a bedsheet and pulled him down to take him to the hospital. With that fear, I was finding his body getting stiff. Never faced anything of this sort ever in life. Still controlled me and went down along to see which car we could fit him. I was shocked he couldn’t fit it in a car. I was asked to pour water into his mouth. I saw it was as if he collected it inside. Then we gained thought to pull him. Neither my car nor my cousin’s car as we could not bend my dad by then. That cleared it all but still, we were not ready to accept. Then we had to call one of the caretakers who had a cycle van. We decided to carry dad there and take him to the hospital. After 2 hospitals finally, one of the clinic doctors declared there is no hope. He asked us to take him back home. I was shattered. We came back home and it was very hard to inform Mom. Then somehow we got one doctor to come home to check his vitals to confirm it as even docs were not ready to come home. He declared him dead and said to provide the death certificate in 4 hours. What happened? We planned something and something else was waiting for us. My brother booked the flight for the same day but as he was to reach by night, the doctor asked us to keep Dad for the whole day in the cool room. It was winter and very cold. On top, we have to switch on the fan in full mode. It was chilling. What an irony, the guy who used to be so sensitive to cold was sleeping bare-bodied, just a wrap-around we call it lungi without any complaints. As he was released out of the pain forever.

Stage 4: Aftershock of the cyclone

I still can’t forget the day. Just after 15 days, I had a bad ache on the left side. It was severe chest pain. I was not able to breathe and the pain stayed for almost half an hour. Everybody got scared. As if dad was taking me along with him. Then after all the heart-related tests were done where it was clear that it was a panic attack and several episodes of the panic attack were terrible. The pain was similar to a heart attack. I was on medication and was asked to continue for another 6 months as it takes 6 months to heal.

Stage 5: Finding peace in chaos.

One thing was very sure that just medication or counseling won’t heal you from inside. You have to rework and train your brain to think in a way that makes you feel comfortable. The brain is like a kid you can mold it and the way you mold i.e. thoughts become reality. That which is discomforting you shall change it to some positive thoughts. Without your efforts, this will not work no matter how much counseling you do or no matter how many medications you take. The reason for me to face this was I was not able to forget the day as I didn't take leave thinking anyways next week I might have to take leave as there might be a situation where Dad has to be treated further or hospitalized. It all depends on the neuro doctor consultation that was to happen on the 21st. But on the 20th, everything ended. I had a lot of plans that I thought I would do after the transition work was over. Sometimes it’s very late.

You have to find a way to make friends with your pain. Try to read a book. “Dry those Tears” by Robert Russel. I would say just read.

I decided to believe my father is still with me. He has not gone yet. I still feel there would have been any way to avoid this situation. The answer is No. We all are born and have to leave one day. Best described in Bhagavad Gita, Our Body is like the clothes that we wear on our body and after death, these worn-out clothes are dropped by the embodied Soul. Soul just changes. In other words, our body is the overcoat of our SOUL inside. We in essence are a SOUL & this SOUL of ours shall take another body that means wear another pair of clothes after death. This eternal SOUL cannot be destroyed. That’s the fact.

I deep inside believe that DAD is still there amongst us. Also, he has lived all the favorite stuff that he wanted to do, eat and see in his last days with us. It might sound weird but later this is how you ca

BHAGWAT GITA CHAPTER II verse 22.

Vasani jirn-nani yatha vihaay

Navani grihnati naro-parani

Tatha sharirani vihaya jirnany-

Anyani sanyati navani dehi….

“Sri Krishna says to Arjuna: As a person discarding worn-out clothes, puts on new garments, likewise the embodied soul, casting off worn-out bodies, enters into other bodies which are new.”